A plight of overwhelming sentiment I feel. A train station that slowly corrupts sane thoughts and brings upon a fresh batch of nothing and everything at the same time. “There will be a curfew from 10 pm to 6 am…” “We are issuing a stay at home order…” “School will resume until May 4th…” One thing I do tend to hear a lot is, “You are not alone; everyone is going through this together…” but I can’t help feeling selfish at the thought of placing my emotions onto the range of the crowd outside these four walls.
So I try my best to conceal. Conceal the madness that is my brain, at least until it’s lights out, and everybody is asleep anyway. During the night is when it gets worse. Many long for silence, yet I resent it, especially during this time at night. I pray to the higher power, whether it be associated with religion or some sort of science. Then I realize just how skeptical I am of that too. And I tend to scrap all the will power within me to fight against the wave of tears brimmed beneath the pupils of those eyes. Those eyes that wish to see the media take their place and provide comfort and solace along with this devastating news. Those eyes that carry the need to make everyone feel happy and loved, and want to protect people.
Alas, one day, I woke up stricken with a will; it is time to challenge despair. I run desperately towards the door, and I step outside. I step outside and on to the grass, although I shouldn’t, because I’m allergic to pollen, and I breathe in condensed and polluted air. As I do so, I admire the landscape before me, then I turn around, and I feel grateful for my life, and for the beautiful shelter, I can call my home. So I start my way back inside as if to be a completely new person.
Since then, I take upon that persona. One that goes through emotional vendetta in a healthy manner and isn’t afraid to place herself with the rest. I realized that this conflict is nothing but a state of mind. The angle that I perceived at the start was true, and it was me. So is this angle and version. I once read in an article, “Though some parts of our personalities feel written in stone…, the truth is that all of us are capable of altering our perspective.” I guess the point I’m trying to convey is all emotions and personal conflicts are valid. I suppose even more so at this stage. We really are going through this together. I’m more optimistic and hopeful towards the future now, and I encourage you to do so too. You are not alone.